When you’re ready, start rebuilding your beautiful life
I’m all about healing, talking about your abuse, letting it be known, getting all the sympathy and compassion you need. But when it’s time to start rebuilding your life, get on it. There’s no set timeline for everybody, you need to heal and when you’re ready to move on, do it. Don’t keep yourself down by being a victim any longer than you need to. But don’t rush the healing process.
Let yourself heal
I spent many years in therapy, countless hours journaling about my abuse. So much time spent crying and being angry because of the abuse I experienced, so much time spent mourning the loss of my childhood. I knew I had to go through this as long as it needed to go before I moved on. During this process I was number one, I gave myself everything I needed: time, compassion, forgiveness.
Time to rediscover yourself
But when I was ready to live again, I went for it. I rediscovered myself. I journaled about what I loved to do, I journaled about how I wanted my life to be. I had to journal because all the things I loved weren’t readily available to me. I became so deep in depression and self-hatred that only journaling helped me tap deeper into my soul. I discovered who I was and who I was meant to be. I was done with the deep work. I want to include the healing never ends, I’m still healing to this day, but I was over the shock that I was abused. I learned enough about my abuse, and I had the skills in place to heal and live life.
Getting stuck being a victim
I was inspired to write this journal because I want to share with you that when I was ready to live life again, I really didn’t want to at first. I became so used to getting sympathy from people and attention from my therapist that I started to like all the attention. But I realized, I’m the only one who can make the decision to step out into the world again and live. Eventually I did. I said to myself, the old hurt Jamie is gone and the new Jamie is ready.
Reconnecting with life
I reconnected with friends, made new friends, I became invested in myself again. I started wearing colorful clothes that I loved, fixing my hair, wearing makeup because I enjoyed it. During the deep healing process, I was exhausted, I wore sweatshirts all the time and never fixed my hair. I just didn’t care during that time. Now I did care about myself. It’s not about outside beauty, but just basic hygiene and wearing things that express the life in me. Conversations with my friends were no longer all about my abuse and how my mom ruined my life. I started to do this because in my head I told myself my mom stole enough of my life, she doesn’t deserve to take away this precious time with my friends, or this precious time with my boyfriend, or this precious time with myself. I’m not going to waste it talking about her and what she did to me, I’m gonna talk about my life and things I’m excited about. I stopped listening to her voice inside my head telling me to be afraid, telling me that I can’t make it, telling me that my healing is only temporary, telling me that the world is out to get me, making me insecure and self-conscious. I was ready, I told my mom goodbye. I’m done with your lies, your threats, your way of living. I’ve discovered my own and I don’t need you to live.
Music in my life
Currently I am pursuing music. I am writing some beautiful music and beautiful lyrics. I have a beautiful life that I love. I no longer waste time entertaining all the worries in my head, entertaining all the critiques my mom’s voice in my head tells me. You see, the abuse you experienced, all the horrible things that were said start to become a tape recorder in your head that plays over and over whenever a situation triggers it. It told me “Be afraid of this, you can’t do it, you are bad…” You see you begin to internalize it. What I do now is just ignore that tape recorder of my mom’s voice. It had nothing based on reality, but all based on the need to destroy the life around her. I was just an innocent bystander all the insults had nothing to do with me, there was nothing wrong with me. I just ignore it now because I know better. Her self-defeating thoughts are getting weaker and weaker.
Disclaimer
To be honest though, my life is not perfect. Once in a while I can have a really bad day. Or once in a while I’m too weak to combat the thoughts. But I let myself start over again whenever it happens. I’m not hard on myself because it took 18 years of abuse to ruin my life, it’s gonna take some time to rebuild that life, I knew I had to be realistic about that. But I’ve come a long way and that’s what I keep on focusing on.
Moving on
The abuse is not part of my life anymore, my mom has no control over me. I’m living my life and creating beautiful music. And it’s here to stay, it’s just who I am, it’s who I’ve always been. =)
It is your time to live, to celebrate, and to see the goodness that you are
My beloved child, break your heart no longer
Every time you judge yourself, you break your own heart
You stop feeding on the love which is the wellspring of your vitality.
The time has come
It is your time to live, to celebrate, and to see the goodness that you are
You, my child, are Divine
You are pure and you are sublimely free
You are God in disguise and you are always perfectly safe.
Let go and breathe into the goodness that you are.
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My awesome friend Lara sent me this poem which is written by Swami Kripalu. Lara’s always been an inspiration to me and right now she’s pursuing her dreams. She’s saved up enough money to take a trip to Thailand. She’s doing a great thing by teaching English to children in Thailand, and in addition she’s teaching them how to break the habit of memorizing and regurgitating info and instead learning and being able to think for themselves.
I love this poem because to me it’s about loving yourself, freeing yourself, seeing you for who you innately are…Divine. For all victims, no matter what this earthly world has made you think of yourself, no matter what abuse you’ve wrongly received, this poem speaks the truth. You are good, you deserve to celebrate, you deserve to live. You deserve to love and be loved.
The abuse you’ve experienced, the injustice, the opression, had nothing to do with you. It may be hard to believe if you haven’t discovered this yet, but it had nothing to do with you. In abusive relationships, the abuser actually is very insecure and doesn’t know how to get in touch with the abuse they experienced themselves. Normally abusers have been abused and just continue the cycle because they don’t know any better.
Choose to break the cycle, choose to live a life free from this abuse, choose to stop it now so the cycle doesn’t continue. Choose to love yourself, choose to no longer be hard on yourself, choose to no longer criticize and reject yourself. You are good no matter how bad or dirty you may feel. I hope and pray you realize this to the fullest extent one day. It’ll take a lot of work to realize this, but it’s worth it. Now live, you are free, you are safe…
The present moment
Awareness
I make it a point to always be aware of myself, my heart, my body, and my soul. I used to have this go go go habit–do one thing, go to the next, then the next. I did not have control of myself. I was like a machine. The result, me stressed out, extremely tense and irritable. Overall, although I was moving and doing things, I look back and realize I didn’t really accomplish much. I could’ve accomplished more.
Measuring your worth through your works
I started developing this habit when I was in high school. High School is when I discovered my “worth.” Prior to high school, I was a shy loner that some people picked on and some people had pity on. By the end of Junior High School, I started getting attention through all my accomplishments. I started getting great grades, awards, started getting recognition through various activities I was in. I started getting attention from my mom and family. I started feeling I was a somebody and that somebody was someone who got attention by accomplishing a lot. I was no longer the loner I hated. You could probably see where this is heading.
Accomplishing things became an obsession of mine. Getting straight A’s, being a leader in a lot of extracurricular activites, having a lot of friends. This became my way of life…always on the go, getting recognized for all the things I can do. It gets pretty exhausting when your worth is based on how much and how perfect you can accomplish things. I’m not saying accomplishing things is bad, I’m just saying there’s a balance and I got way off line.
Restoring life
I crashed and burned and then had to restore my life. I spent a lot of time journaling to understand why I became this work addict. Through journaling, I discovered all the things above. I had to journal because I had to try to tap into my subconsious because it became my way of life. Sometimes it’s tough to just know why you do things when it’s become a habit.
The present moment
After discovery I spent a bunch of time undoing all that addiction to work and relearning a peaceful way of life. Thankful my boyfriend was into reading books on mindfulness so I stole some of those books. I read books by Thich Nhat Hanh, Joyce Meyers, the Bible, and many more. I learned to be aware of your surroundings, to really be present in the present moment. It sounds simple and sounds like common sense, but when you actually become aware of the present moment you realize how few people live in the present moment.
You’re talking to someone and they’re either looking at their watch, their phone, or you just know their mind is somewhere else. You’re helping a customer and your customer doesn’t make eye contact with you. You give peace to each other at church and shake hands, but some people don’t even look into your eyes when they give the sign of peace.
I’ve learned to live in the present moment and I love it. I know people throw the words “present moment” or “mindfulness” around, but these words are not just for monks or for folks who aren’t in touch with real life. You can be in touch with “real life” and practice mindfulness.
Practice
In my life, I make sure to be aware of my breath, I make sure that I am aware of my heartbeat. When I do things, I make sure to accomplish tasks in a calm way. I know when I’m about to get ahead of myself. For example, I’m driving, ready to have a great ride, then I want to reach out for my cell phone and then turn on the radio and then eat an orange. Now I’m trying to do things one at a time because I’ve noticed, once I let myself do so many things at once, I become overwhelmed and out of control. I remind myself when I’m tempted to do so many things at once that whenever I do this, I start to have a hard time breathing and my shoulders get tense.
Win win situation
In the end, I think it’s a win win situation for me. I do things one a time, but I never overwhelm myself, so I have more time and energy to do more things. When I’m calm, I’m the most productive. I’ve realized I can stay calm because I don’t have to overdo my accomplishments to please anyone. And I can stay calm because I realized I am in control of my body and I can accomplish everything I want to get done. I don’t have to worry.
Don’t be afraid to question the way you live
Have you ever stopped and thought about the way you live? Do you like what you see? Do you like yourself? Do you like where your life is going? I’m very hesitant to say that I think there are a lot of people who don’t stop to think about these things and who just keep on going and going and going until things fall apart. I say if things fall apart on you that’s a blessing in disguise because it stops you from living life unhappily. I was hesitant because I feel I’ll get a lot of people angry and get defensive who say “I love my life!” If you love your life, truly and deep down inside, this post is not for you. This is for those who in your own private life, when you’re by yourself, are not so sure about how you’re going about your life, are not so sure how to stop. This post is for those who think, “I’m better than this,” or “I can’t go on like this.” I’m not gonna give advice on what to do because deep down inside you know what to do.
Post inspired by Tuesdays with Morrie movie
Calling all perfectionists, workaholics, procrastinators, worriers
Do your best and that’s good enough. And I believe it really is. Sounds too simple, sounds like it’s not applicable to a real adult life, but I believe it is.
Measure your worth on who you naturally are
See here’s the problem: I feel too many people measure their worth by their status, how much money they make, the titles they hold, the reputation they have with others, their grades. What’s tough is that this is how the world measures your worth. Yes we have the minority that say your worth is measured by your good works, but for the most part you get recognized by how much money you have and your reputation. I’m calling all of yall to do something different. To measure your worth based on being you and simply you.
You only have one life to live, so why not live it right
Yes you may have a life that’s so involved in the popular way of living, but hey you only have one life to live. Why not live a life with peace and satisfaction. I’m young, 24, but I feel these habits start when you’re young. I stopped the life I didn’t want to live at 21. I had a bunch of friends, numerous acquaintances, involved in so many club and activities and held a leadership role in every activity I was in. I made sure to attend all events, both academic, extracurricular and social events. I was leader of a religious group giving countless advice to people, I was also giving advice to almost every member of my family. I seemed perfect. The truth was I was giving advice to people to feel important, but more notable to avoid having to deal with my own problems. Under all that was an extremely stretched out girl, and no one knew a girl who did not like herself.
I had to do all of this to make up for the truly low self-esteem I had. I made up for the lack of self-worth by making myself look big with all these titles and so many people praising me for the advice I was giving. I was helping everyone, but I wasn’t helping myself.
Perfectionists
I am calling all perfectionists to just do your best. To be in your honest effort and to start enjoying what you’re doing. Yes you produce some really good stuff, but you know you’re not enjoying the process and possibly hate the end result. You torture yourself to be perfect and you don’t like it. Just stop it, drop it. It’s a bad habit, that’s all it is and you can change.
You need to change your beliefs about certain things. You need to learn to believe that when you put in the effort, you can do something. You need to learn that life is not based on the “all or nothing” approach, which means if it’s not perfect it’s nothing. That’s not true. No one is perfect and you have to start being okay with, brace yourself…good enough.
I’m not saying do less than your potential. I’m saying believe in yourself, put in the effort, and be happy with the outcome. Here’s a thought being a perfectionist actually makes you less successful because all the time you spend trying to make something perfect, actually takes away from all the time you could’ve spent coming up with even more creative ideas.
Workaholics
Stop putting all your life in work and start creating some relationships and having fun in your life. The only reason why you’re a workaholic is because either you think your worth is based on your work or deep inside you don’t know how to connect with people or you’re afraid to create connections with people because of the fear of getting hurt (again).
Your worth is not based on your work. Perhaps growing up you were always praised for being a top student. Or perhaps you’ve never succeeded in anything until now and it feels good to finally get noticed for something? It’s great to do well at work or in school, but not if that’s the only thing you’re good at.
Be balanced, do your work, but have some fun and spend time with others. Learn that there are benefits to being around people. The joy of sharing your life with others, sharing in laughter in hardship. Yes in relationships there is risk of really getting hurt, but it’s better to try than to just shut down and spend time with your work.
The thing about achievements is it’s easy to control. With relationships it’s not. You can’t control them actually. But take the risk and life a full and balanced life. =)
Procrastinators
You’re waiting until the perfect moment to start, you’re waiting until you have the perfect plan. That time will not come. Move forward and dive in. Turn off the critics in your head and believe in yourself. One thing at a time, you can do it.
Worriers
My worriers, I feel I used to be the head of this pack. I worried about anything, everything, and when I wasn’t worried, I worked hard to find something to worry about. Realize there is nothing wrong with, realize that overall the world is not a hostile place, realize that good things can happen to you.
Perhaps you inherited worrying from your family or you picked it up when something went wrong in your life, but worrying is not the way to live life. Most of the time that things you worry about never happen. Then why worry?
It protects us from life, it protects us from enjoying life, it prevents us from having to have a good time. Believe it or not there are people addicted to misery, worry, etc. They know nothing else. If you’re stuck in this rut, just forget about it. Stop worrying.
Change your thoughts
I know it’s easier said than done, but move forward, it’s all about changing your thoughts, your beliefs about life. It’s all about combating those thoughts in your head that say you can’t get out of what you want to get out of. If you really want to do something do it. Stop complaining that you can’t. When you do that it shows you still want to live a life in pity. No ones going to take you out of your pity, but yourself. What do you say?
Hello world!
Hey Everyone!
I’m so excited. I’ve been wanted to start a blog in a while and I finally did it! It took me forever to come up with a domain name, but I finally did it. I kept on thinking of names that went around my subject, but gosh darnit, down to it I’m writing about stopping abuse. So, there ya have it “nomoreabuse.wordpress.com.” I hope to reach out to folks who are experiencing any type of abuse and hopefully be strength for you to step out of it. I also hope to create a community of folks of who have been abused and have courageously chosen to leave the abuse. It’s not easy to rebuild our lives, but we’re doing it and let’s support each other. And lastly, I feel I’ve received SOO MUCH insight into this life while I was rebuilding my life that even folks who aren’t victims of abuse might be able to learn something from me. Besides, I’ve had to learn about life like a science. Down to it, believe it or not, I’ve had to learn how to make friends, talk to people, just be around people. I’ve had to learn how to think for myself, learn how to receive and respond to people’s opinions. Even the most basic thing of just being was not easy. I had to learn how to be with myself, all by myself, and not want to hide in the corner and stay there. I’ve come a long way and I’m so excited to share. Good thing is that I’m pretty detailed, so if you really want to learn how to do something I’ll probably be thorough about it if you need some help. Enjoy everyone. I love you! Let’s life the best life we want to live. =)
