Hang in there when it’s hard

Comments (3)

Just recently I was having a hard time with feeling in control.  Right now I’m about to start a whole new career.  I’m starting school learning about something totally different from what I’ve known, starting a new job in an environment I don’t have experience in, in a different town.  There was a lot going on.  And I was going a bit nuts.  It didn’t help that with all these new things going on, I was learning about abuse.  I’m healed from the abuse, but learning about it in a class setting, all the statistics, the different kinds of abuse, videos of people being abuse, I couldn’t help but feel a bit overwhelmed.

I tried everything.  I tried all the tools I had and after 6 years of combatting abuse and its after-effects, I had a lot of tools.  I tried to journal, I tried to meditate, I tried to get my mind off of it by cleaning, I tried reasoning it out.  Nothing was working.  I still didn’t feel good.  I felt scared, I was worried that I had lost all my healing.  My head hurt from constantly trying to understand what is happening and reasoning it out.  I couldn’t think straight for the life of me because I was all over the place.

Eventually, after a week and a half, I threw my hands up and pretty much said I give up.  I’m done trying.  Now just so you know I wasn’t saying I gave up on myself.  I just gave up trying too hard, trying to get better quickly.

Once I did that, things started to get better.  I started to think clearer, and then eventually ideas started coming to me.  It’s funny how taking a break does that.  I feel sometimes we can get so caught up in solving a problem that we don’t take a break from it and the problem gets harder to solve because of fatigue and down we go a vicious cycle.

So this is what I did:

-My mind was all over the place, so I said, I’m gonna stop trying to think about this.  When a though came in, I ignored it.  It took me a couple of days to do this right.

-Then I went on the day as usual.  Walked my dog, took care of errands and chores, spent time with my boyfriend.

-I ignored that I was having a hard time.

-Then things started to clear.

-Then I allowed myself to use some of my tools.  Instead of journal to try to understand, I just started to write out my blessings and how far I’ve come.  Just to give myself some credit.

-I started to write out things I’ve been wanting to do and I started doing it.  I got so excited to try a new recipe for Red Velvet Cake.  I started getting excited about blogging again.

-I stopped being too hard on myself and I stopped expecting perfection from myself.

-And it’s like weight was lifted off my shoulder and I don’t know how.  In hindsight weight got lifted maybe it’s because I stopped trying to carry the world on my shoulder.

When times are tough, hang in there.  It happens to everyone.  Everyone has to confront hard times whatever the hard times may be.  Also what I constantly remind myself, learn how to tolerate tough times.  I tend to want to get out of tough times as fast as I can.  But it’s the tough times that we learn something and grow and it’s part of life, so I need to keep reminding myself to just hang in there.  Also I think, I’m healed, I shouldn’t have any difficulty, everyone goes through it.  This is all part of what I need to learn, now that abuse is out of my life, problems aren’t out of my life, everyone goes through it, so when I come across a problem, I don’t need to automatically think, oh I must be doing something wrong, or I must be thinking a wrong way.

Hang in there, and when you want to give up, hang on a little more, and that’s when things will change.

---

When you’re ready, start rebuilding your beautiful life

Comments (4)

I’m all about healing, talking about your abuse, letting it be known, getting all the sympathy and compassion you need.  But when it’s time to start rebuilding your life, get on it.  There’s no set timeline for everybody, you need to heal and when you’re ready to move on, do it.  Don’t keep yourself down by being a victim any longer than you need to.  But don’t rush the healing process.

Let yourself heal

I spent many years in therapy, countless hours journaling about my abuse.  So much time spent crying and being angry because of the abuse I experienced, so much time spent mourning the loss of my childhood.  I knew I had to go through this as long as it needed to go before I moved on.  During this process I was number one, I gave myself everything I needed:  time, compassion, forgiveness.

Time to rediscover yourself

But when I was ready to live again, I went for it.  I rediscovered myself.  I journaled about what I loved to do, I journaled about how I wanted my life to be.  I had to journal because all the things I loved weren’t readily available to me.  I became so deep in depression and self-hatred that only journaling helped me tap deeper into my soul.  I discovered who I was and who I was meant to be.  I was done with the deep work.  I want to include the healing never ends, I’m still healing to this day, but I was over the shock that I was abused.  I learned enough about my abuse, and I had the skills in place to heal and live life.

Getting stuck being a victim

I was inspired to write this journal because I want to share with you that when I was ready to live life again, I really didn’t want to at first.  I became so used to getting sympathy from people and attention from my therapist that I started to like all the attention.  But I realized, I’m the only one who can make the decision to step out into the world again and live.  Eventually I did.  I said to myself, the old hurt Jamie is gone and the new Jamie is ready.

Reconnecting with life

I reconnected with friends, made new friends, I became invested in myself again.  I started wearing colorful clothes that I loved, fixing my hair, wearing makeup because I enjoyed it.  During the deep healing process, I was exhausted, I wore sweatshirts all the time and never fixed my hair.  I just didn’t care during that time.  Now I did care about myself.  It’s not about outside beauty, but just basic hygiene and wearing things that express the life in me.  Conversations with my friends were no longer all about my abuse and how my mom ruined my life.  I started to do this because in my head I told myself my mom stole enough of my life, she doesn’t deserve to take away this precious time with my friends, or this precious time with my boyfriend, or this precious time with myself.  I’m not going to waste it talking about her and what she did to me, I’m gonna talk about my life and things I’m excited about.  I stopped listening to her voice inside my head telling me to be afraid, telling me that I can’t make it, telling me that my healing is only temporary, telling me that the world is out to get me, making me insecure and self-conscious.  I was ready, I told my mom goodbye.  I’m done with your lies, your threats, your way of living.  I’ve discovered my own and I don’t need you to live.

Music in my life

Currently I am pursuing music.  I am writing some beautiful music and beautiful lyrics.  I have a beautiful life that I love.  I no longer waste time entertaining all the worries in my head, entertaining all the critiques my mom’s voice in my head tells me.  You see, the abuse you experienced, all the horrible things that were said start to become a tape recorder in your head that plays over and over whenever a situation triggers it.  It told me “Be afraid of this, you can’t do it, you are bad…”  You see you begin to internalize it.  What I do now is just ignore that tape recorder of my mom’s voice.  It had nothing based on reality, but all based on the need to destroy the life around her.  I was just an innocent bystander all the insults had nothing to do with me, there was nothing wrong with me.  I just ignore it now because I know better.  Her self-defeating thoughts are getting weaker and weaker.

Disclaimer

To be honest though, my life is not perfect.  Once in a while I can have a really bad day.  Or once in a while I’m too weak to combat the thoughts.  But I let myself start over again whenever it happens.  I’m not hard on myself because it took 18 years of abuse to ruin my life, it’s gonna take some time to rebuild that life, I knew I had to be realistic about that.  But I’ve come a long way and that’s what I keep on focusing on.

Moving on

The abuse is not part of my life anymore, my mom has no control over me.  I’m living my life and creating beautiful music. And it’s here to stay, it’s just who I am, it’s who I’ve always been. =)

---

It is your time to live, to celebrate, and to see the goodness that you are

Comments (2)

My beloved child, break your heart no longer

Every time you judge yourself, you break your own heart

You stop feeding on the love which is the wellspring of your vitality.

The time has come

It is your time to live, to celebrate, and to see the goodness that you are

You, my child, are Divine

You are pure and you are sublimely free

You are God in disguise and you are always perfectly safe.

Let go and breathe into the goodness that you are.

——————————————————–

My awesome friend Lara sent me this poem which is written by Swami Kripalu.  Lara’s always been an inspiration to me and right now she’s pursuing her dreams.  She’s saved up enough money to take a trip to Thailand.  She’s doing a great thing by teaching English to children in Thailand, and in addition she’s teaching them how to break the habit of memorizing and regurgitating info and instead learning and being able to think for themselves.

I love this poem because to me it’s about loving yourself, freeing yourself, seeing you for who you innately are…Divine.  For all victims, no matter what this earthly world has made you think of yourself, no matter what abuse you’ve wrongly received, this poem speaks the truth.  You are good, you deserve to celebrate, you deserve to live.  You deserve to love and be loved.

The abuse you’ve experienced, the injustice, the opression, had nothing to do with you.  It may be hard to believe if you haven’t discovered this yet, but it had nothing to do with you.  In abusive relationships, the abuser actually is very insecure and doesn’t know how to get in touch with the abuse they experienced themselves.  Normally abusers have been abused and just continue the cycle because they don’t know any better.

Choose to break the cycle, choose to live a life free from this abuse, choose to stop it now so the cycle doesn’t continue.  Choose to love yourself, choose to no longer be hard on yourself, choose to no longer criticize and reject yourself.  You are good no matter how bad or dirty you may feel.  I hope and pray you realize this to the fullest extent one day.  It’ll take a lot of work to realize this, but it’s worth it.  Now live, you are free, you are safe…

---

The present moment

Leave a Comment

Awareness

I make it a point to always be aware of myself, my heart, my body, and my soul.  I used to have this go go go habit–do one thing, go to the next, then the next.  I did not have control of myself.  I was like a machine.  The result, me stressed out, extremely tense and irritable.  Overall, although I was moving and doing things, I look back and realize I didn’t really accomplish much.  I could’ve accomplished more.

Measuring your worth through your works

I started developing this habit when I was in high school.  High School is when I discovered my “worth.”  Prior to high school, I was a shy loner that some people picked on and some people had pity on.  By the end of Junior High School, I started getting attention through all my accomplishments.  I started getting great grades, awards, started getting recognition through various activities I was in.  I started getting attention from my mom and family.  I started feeling I was a somebody and that somebody was someone who got attention by accomplishing a lot.  I was no longer the loner I hated.  You could probably see where this is heading.

Accomplishing things became an obsession of mine.  Getting straight A’s, being a leader in a lot of extracurricular activites, having a lot of friends.  This became my way of life…always on the go, getting recognized for all the things I can do.  It gets pretty exhausting when your worth is based on how much and how perfect you can accomplish things.  I’m not saying accomplishing things is bad, I’m just saying there’s a balance and I got way off line.

Restoring life

I crashed and burned and then had to restore my life.  I spent a lot of time journaling to understand why I became this work addict.  Through journaling, I discovered all the things above.  I had to journal because I had to try to tap into my subconsious because it became my way of life.  Sometimes it’s tough to just know why you do things when it’s become a habit.

The present moment

After discovery I spent a bunch of time undoing all that addiction to work and relearning a peaceful way of life.  Thankful my boyfriend was into reading books on mindfulness so I stole some of those books.  I read books by Thich Nhat Hanh, Joyce Meyers, the Bible, and many more.  I learned to be aware of your surroundings, to really be present in the present moment.  It sounds simple and sounds like common sense, but when you actually become aware of the present moment you realize how few people live in the present moment.

You’re talking to someone and they’re either looking at their watch, their phone, or you just know their mind is somewhere else.  You’re helping a customer and your customer doesn’t make eye contact with you.  You give peace to each other at church and shake hands, but some people don’t even look into your eyes when they give the sign of peace.

I’ve learned to live in the present moment and I love it.  I know people throw the words “present moment” or “mindfulness” around, but these words are not just for monks or for folks who aren’t in touch with real life.  You can be in touch with “real life” and practice mindfulness.

Practice

In my life, I make sure to be aware of my breath, I make sure that I am aware of my heartbeat.  When I do things, I make sure to accomplish tasks in a calm way.  I know when I’m about to get ahead of myself.  For example, I’m driving, ready to have a great ride, then I want to reach out for my cell phone and then turn on the radio and then eat an orange.  Now I’m trying to do things one at a time because I’ve noticed, once I let myself do so many things at once, I become overwhelmed and out of control.  I remind myself when I’m tempted to do so many things at once that whenever I do this, I start to have a hard time breathing and my shoulders get tense.

Win win situation

In the end, I think it’s a win win situation for me.  I do things one a time, but I never overwhelm myself, so I have more time and energy to do more things.  When I’m calm, I’m the most productive.  I’ve realized I can stay calm because I don’t have to overdo my accomplishments to please anyone.  And I can stay calm because I realized I am in control of my body and I can accomplish everything I want to get done.  I don’t have to worry.

---

Don’t be afraid to question the way you live

Leave a Comment

Have you ever stopped and thought about the way you live?  Do you like what you see?  Do you like yourself?  Do you like where your life is going?  I’m very hesitant to say that I think there are a lot of people who don’t stop to think about these things and who just keep on going and going and going until things fall apart.  I say if things fall apart on you that’s a blessing in disguise because it stops you from living life unhappily.  I was hesitant because I feel I’ll get a lot of people angry and get defensive who say “I love my life!”  If you love your life, truly and deep down inside, this post is not for you.  This is for those who in your own private life, when you’re by yourself, are not so sure about how you’re going about your life, are not so sure how to stop.  This post is for those who think, “I’m better than this,” or “I can’t go on like this.”  I’m not gonna give advice on what to do because deep down inside you know what to do.

Post inspired by Tuesdays with Morrie movie

---

Get out of abuse for the sake of the life you’re meant to live

Leave a Comment

Oppression in our world, our workplace, and our homes

there’s a lot of oppression in our own homes and it’s interesting how a lot of people get away with it. there’s a lot of oppression in our workplace and people get away with it as well. it’s not okay and i want the WORLD to know that. it’s not okay you continue abusing our children, our husbands, our wives, our brothers, our sisters, our elders.  it’s not okay and there’s another way. this is priority. no one is better than the other. it’s not okay for someone to think they are better than the other, thus take advantage of the other because of age, culture, status, money, education. ever!  i see this too often in a grocery store where the manager is ridiculing an employee in front of his co-workers and customers because of a mistake he made.  a husband whose telling his wife that she is stupid in front of other people and tears start to roll down her eyes because of the hurt and embarrassment she just experienced.  or a business executive being completely impatient and belittling to an agent whose trying to serve them while they bark down orders on them.  who do people think they are when they do this.  geez either they don’t know any better or they think this is okay.

we need to change and fight against this kind of treatment.  this is unacceptable.  speak up if you see this, change if you do this.

in our world, i believe there are a lot of people not reaching their full potential because they let others control them.  and the controllers are preoccupying themselves with controlling others than doing more productive things in their lives.  people are telling each other what to do as if they knew exactly what was in the other’s heart, what the OTHER’S purpose in life was.

Live your life

people need to get away from this codependent state and move on. make something actually happen, go forth in your own heart, and find out who you are meant to be, what you are meant to do.  this is a scary thing to do, so people just say, let me listen to what so and so is saying. let me do what they are saying. they must know. you are procrastinating.  you are scared. you know they don’t know. but you hope they do know. you know, or you have an inkling of what you’re supposed to do, but you’re afraid of what others may think.

gosh, too many people in this world are afraid of what others think. i’m here to tell you, to challenge you, what difference does it make what others think. how does it really affect your situation or your life. does it really have an effect on your life? have you ever questioned or considered that it means nothing and changes nothing in your life? nothing. has nothing to do with you? has nothing to do with your dreams, goals, desires? What other people think obstructs your path in no way, unless you let it… and you don’t have to let it.  it’s nothing.

Learning to not care what others think

i’m here to teach you the art of doing exactly what you want to do and others opinions not having an effect on you.  consider this:  you are your own person, your own thoughts, your own body, you make your own decisions.  okay some of you might’ve never made your own decisions before, or you think you’re making your OWN decisions, when in fact, you’re making decisions based on what you know others will like.  these are still not your own decisions.  so how it should be is that you choose where you want your life to go.  no one else, no matter who is yelling at you, belittling you, telling you you can’t, in your own soul and mind, you truly have the power to make a decision that is completely your own.  let’s start with that.

so now in the face of all this opposition in the world, because to be honest with you, this world does not support something different, something unusual.  this world actually wants you to be like everyone else. everyone likes the norm because it’s what’s familiar.  people don’t like seeing others taking the courageous and scary leap of faith toward their TRUE potential and dreams because then it makes others have to reconsider how they are living their own lives and makes them feel guilty that perhaps they are not moving forward to their true potential.

A thing about bad habits

people get into habits, it’s easy, familiar, you don’t have to put much work into it. even if it’s a habit or familiarity to being abused, to being told what to do, even when it’s something negative, if it’s a habit, it’s how your life has been for some time, it’s what you know or ALL that you know. so in a twisted way, it feels good because it’s familiar. it’s what you seek because it’s all you know.

The POWER we hold

humans actually have this amazing power in themselves that they can DECIDE to tap into.  the power is the ability to learn, to choose, to discover, to change, to act in bravery in the midst of unbelievable fear.  you know this because of stories of strangers helping strangers in the face of death, people who have lost important parts of their bodies and learning how to function just like everyone else, a child locked up throughout childhood in the most slummiest environment and finding a sense of purpose and living a fulfilled adult life.  there have been people who have been victims of unspeakable crimes, that have DECIDED to face their fears, their perpetrators and have decided to be a voice for victims who haven’t stepped out yet to regain their lives back.

we are powerful, we can do what we want.  we were meant, each and every one of us for something meaningful.  that gave us and others real meaning in our lives…

now, how can we let anyone control us, put us down, tell us we’re stupid, tell us we can’t, if we are and were meant to be the most powerful creatures in the earth together.  how can we let another human being tell us what to do, tell us what’s in our hearts, tell us what we’re meant to be, tell us that we are nobody.  treat us like we’re nobody, treat us with disrespect.

no human deserves disrespect from anyone, no matter who they are or what they’ve done.  these people who don’t have the right to talk down to you and tear you apart include your husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, mother, father, relatives, well meaning friends.  unfortunately, humans aren’t perfect, so although you may look up to these people, if they are hurting you, it’s not okay.  it may be the hardest thing to tell someone after so many years of not saying anything that what they’re doing is not okay and they need to stop.  no matter how hard it is you’re worth it and it’s never too late.  you are not second to them, you are not inferior, you are a real person and god dangit, put them in their place.  some people have their own dark side to deal with and they have no right to take things out on you.  and be very aware their ability to manipulate, use guilt trip on you, or tell you you have no idea what you’re talking about.  the thing about emotional abuse and psychological abuse is that it’s sometimes hard to put your finger on what’s going on. even though you might not know exactly what’s going on, if you’re being hurt, if your mind is being played with, get out of that relationship!

Revealing the weakness of abusers

people abusing us may say, i’m just teaching them a lesson, they are stupid, they know nothing else.  they deserved it.  NO!!!  leave these people alone, life your own life and leave these people alone. how did you get to the point to think you’re above everyone else or that you’re above this person.  perhaps you have your own problems of looking at yourself and seeing your own problems, so you make a problem in other people’s lives.  Abusers find someone who is suffering in self-esteem and further attack that person’s self-esteem to build their own self-esteem.  is this something to be proud of.  you abusers, you should all be ashamed of yourselves!

Abuse in our homes

i’m bringing awareness to all abuse.  abuse in our own families. where no matter how beautiful a family looks, no matter how happy a family may seem, you will NEVER EVER know if there is abuse in their own private homes unless you are part of the family.  the tough thing is people are great pretenders.  there is so much embarrassment, guilt, and denial, they it would be unbearable if someone found out, so these families become great pretenders and the abusers follow along because they know nothing else. you can visit a home and never know.

Abuse in our workplace

abuse in our workplace.  oh especially our workplace where there are distinct ranks.  no matter what level CEO, means nothing.  you cannot disrespect or abuse any employee.  you can work together, work towards one goal, but you cannot make someone feel they are less of a person than you are.  you have no right to tell someone they are stupid.  you have no right to be so impatient with another human being, when in fact you are in need of patience as well because you too are not perfect.  you cannot manipulate someone into thinking they belong to you.  you cannot refuse someones right to say no or to speak up or to make their own decisions.  you have no right to spread rumors about certain employees you think are stupid because truly you have no idea the power this person holds. you are just extremely limited in your thinking by thinking you are someone on a higher human level. you are not, so speak with respect and treat every one of your employees with dignity.

i’m shocked how people put other people down and that people just take it.  you don’t need them, there is a life away from this kind of treatment and you can attain it if you want.

Learning how to live your life

it’s going to be hard because your self-esteem has been attacked, you might not have the tools to be independent just yet, but you can learn them very quickly because your were born with them, that’s how it’s meant to be. you might not have people who support you around you just yet, so it’ll be hard, everyone will say no, everyone will make you think what you’re doing is not right. but any cause to save a life is right.

How to take the first step to FREEDOM

you move forward, you ignore what everyone says, you ignore what you think they might think, you ignore those negative voices in your head that truly aren’t yours but the years of unjust control, you ignore the negative feelings, you ignore the weakness, the fear, the doubt, the guilt you might feel, you ignore it all because that’s what you need to do to move forward. everything in your body is saying i want what’s familiar it’s easy, it’s what i’ve known, but find that little voice in your soul that tells you, “you know this isn’t the life you’re meant to live.” you move forward, answering no questions in your mind or from others that are only meant to make you fall, you move forward for the sake of who you’re meant to be. for the joy you’re meant to experience. for the blessings you’re meant to receive.  you will receive a double blessing.  you suffered enough. you will receive joy, love and happiness. ignore all the feelings that say it’s not possible. just move forward to the unknown besides what is known is probably the worse it could be. there’s no where to go but up. go go go.  nowhere to go but up. nothing else to do but take a step forward for your life.

---